Victims of crime talk about the trial process

The pre-trial really involves a lot of more technical issues. There was a lot of material covered there that I felt that we should hear and we should see how the trial is going to be conducted. You know, you have to make your own mind up whether you'll be there or you won't be there for the pre-trial. The press will be there for the pre-trial but they are limited in what they can report.

I think it's better probably to go with someone, although we found that the ladies, volunteer ladies at the court were terrific. If they had time, they'd come and sit with you, and not saying anything, just be there as support. Someone's on your side.

Everyone always asks victims, like, you know you don't have to be at the trial it's going to be quite hard.

And I said well, it's the last moment of my daughter's life, do you think I'm not going to be here?

For us, we had to be there because it was the last thing that we could do for my brother. You know, we wanted to show that he was loved and he was supported.

About three months coming towards the trial I started to forget things, not focus on anything. I got quite depressed and my anxiety was out of the roof and so I did speak to my counsellor. Also I saw my local doctor and he decided to put me on depression and anxiety pills.

And as soon as you know you're going to trial and when you are going to the trial, the best thing to do is to contact the Director of Public Prosecutions and ask to know who the prosecutor is, and his solicitor and whether you can meet with them to find out how they're going to conduct the case.

We got to know our prosecution team, and we had the opportunity to meet them regularly. Whenever we had questions or needed to know something we could email them or catch up with them. So that relationship was one of those beacons of light.

The courtroom is really controlled but when you're outside that courtroom, everyone uses the same common area, so youare  using the same space day in and day out. You're using the same bathroom area, you're in the same food areas.

Yeah, it was very daunting, the court experience and I think nothing actually ever prepares you.

We always suggest it, and we did anyhow, is that you go in and have a good look around in the court when it's empty. Go and hop up in the witness box if you're going to be a witness and get used to the procedure.

We wanted to sit closest to the witness stand because, while our witnesses were on the stand, and furthest away from the perpetrator. It didn't end up being like that. We were the closest to the perpetrator and furthest away from the witnesses.

You know, there was a divide between his family and mine, even though it was small it was still there. You're sitting there with, in my case, my brother's killer at arm's reach and you're sitting with his family and his friends and his supporters and you'll hear witnesses from both sides. Sometimes they won't use their name, they'll refer to him as the deceased.

In my case, my Dad was on the stand for two days being cross-examined. Seeing your loved one going through that experience is really traumatic. You're not allowed to show emotion when the jury is there. You're not allowed to cry.

You've got to act with dignity when you go into the court, and show it respect.

You're hearing from people quite graphic information, and sometimes it's untrue about your loved one.

That was quite a shock. That nothing was said about him, but our daughter who was dead, they were allowed to say what they liked, more or less, you know, about her. So that was very, very difficult.

It's important to know that you can always get up and leave a court room.

So, three times, on three occasions, we walked out. We thought we don't have to sit here and listen to our daughter being denigrated in such a way.

There's a lot of hard parts in that trial where you're going through the medical reports.

Well, I cope with all the gruesome aspects of her murder which we've heard about over the years to put her in the third person, because it becomes very upsetting.

Each day in that court you're in there, and you're in there for the length of the court, from the time the court starts at ten o'clock. When you leave that court, it's exactly like you've been 15 rounds with the heavyweight champion of the world. That's how exhausted you feel.

One of the benefits of attending the court case was that I heard for the first time most or a lot of the evidence that for the last few years I'd been making up in my mind, so it was a clarity and an understanding of what happened before Mark died.

We wanted to know everything, no matter how horrible it is. I have to know, and then I can cope. If I don't, you imagine all sorts.

A lot of people focus on, you know, you get closure at the end of the justice process but even though it closes the door on that one story, it's actually the start of the real grieving process because before then it's all about the way that your brother died and about the person that killed him. And afterwards it's about your loss.

It's something that everyone's gotta watch when it comes to the end of the trial, is to make sure they get out and smell the roses and get back on with their lives.

You know, people always say you'll get over it, or things will get easier. But that wasn't true for me and I was thinking am I abnormal? What's wrong with me? And I found this sheet, and it talked about grief and it had a picture of... a round picture that was shaded in and that was the person's grief to start with. And then it used the example of a year later, and the grief was the same size, it was no different to the first picture but there was a small outer line around that grief. And it taught me that grief is grief, you never stop loving the person that's gone any less or more you know, it still hurts just as much as the day it happened. But you learn to live with it and grow around it and use that learning experience to grow as a person.